Little Miracles
by figure in a landscape
Summary: "Yes." She's tempted to lie until she realizes there is no point in doing so anymore. She thinks Jessica would prefer the truth over more lies anyway. And Carrie doesn't have the energy to pretend anymore.


**A/N - Spoilers for season 2. The story goes in a different direction from the second half of The Choice.**

**Little Miracles**

Carrie leaned her head back once again as she stared out the window from her comfortable spot on the couch where she had been sitting, in the dark, with a glass of wine since she had arrived home from work. It had become a habit of hers over the years, when she had a particularly unbearable day. And the one she just had more than qualified. It wasn't the first or even second time, this week, that she ended up in this place. She had her job back, Nazir was dead, and she could have Brody if she wanted, and yet she was once again reminded of how little things have changed.

Saul is still there for her, in between moments where she is convinced he wishes he didn't have to be the one in the position to handle (or in David's words babysit) her. She wonders if it weren't for her, if he would have left the CIA altogether. She's certain there was more to him selling his house before leaving for Beirut, then he's cared to share with her. He always looked worn out and tired over the years but it's become a lot more noticable and harder to overlook in recent weeks. She thinks it is a mixture if being caught in the middle of her and CIA, and Mira's recent surprise visit and just as quick departure. He doesn't share what happened and she doesn't ask. He doesn't ask about Brody either. So she doesn't have to lie to him and because, she figures, apart of him doesn't want to know. They talk about work, he checks up on her, he as her back, she as his, and they lie about everything else and ignore everything they don't have it in them to deal with. It's how it's always been.

Being the agent largely responsible for bringing down Abu Nazir as earned her more respect at the agency. She isn't so easily dismissed anymore, but she still as to deal with her reliability and judgement being questioned, just not as often. She notices the looks directed at her that makes it clear that the reason for this change as more to do with their reluctance to vocalize their thoughts about the woman who took down Abu Nazir and helped stop an attack that would resulted in the deaths of many innocent people, rather than it being due to a change in how she's viewed by her colleagues. She's sure once enough time as passed since Nazir's death, people will stop holding back and things will be back to how they were. She as made peace with the fact that no matter how many times she is right or how many times she proves herself, she will forever be seen as the crazy, emotional, reckless agent, whose judgement won't ever fully be trusted. It's the price she pays to be able to do the work that she loves. And some days it even feels worth it.

She could be with Brody, she could have a chance at something real, something balanced and happy, a life that is not so lonely. He wants that with her. He left his family to be with her. Something she still hasn't been able to fully wrap her head around. She would never admit this to anyone but she doesn't like being alone. It's what she is used to and what is practical due to the life she leads. But it's not something she enjoys or wants for herself. In a choice between her work and her happiness, she wasn't lying when she told Brody that no relationship, nor as her happiness, as ever felt as important as the work she does. Until him, that is. Chosing work over the possibility of happiness was a lot simpler when the idea of being happy was just a fantasy she entertained, then an actual possibility. One that she got to have a small taste of what could be. _"We could be happy, couldn't we?" _She didn't answer him then. She couldn't bring herself to admit that they could, if she planned on going back to the CIA leaving him, along with the future she could have had with him, behind. She's not sure they could have worked out but she's knows they could have been happy at least for a little while.

She musings are interrupted by the sound of the doorbell. She's tempted to ignore it until she realizes it would be pointless. There are not many people who show up at her home, especially this late at night. Maggie would let herself in using her spare key after she didn't answer the door. Her car was in the driveway. She would know she was home. Saul would show up out of concern over the day she had and wouldn't leave until he saw for himself that she was okay. And Brody, as complicated as this mess was, she wouldn't mind it if it was him. She misses him but she doubts it him. She is not that lucky, especially not today. Carrie reached the door and looks through the peephole, when she notices the last person she expected to see standing outside her door.

She is tempted to just turn away and ignore her. She can't imagine Jessica Brody wants to be here anymore than Carrie wants her here. She turns around leaning her back against the door. After a few moments, her curiosity and guilt wins over. Taking a deep breath, Carrie opens the door to face her.

Jessica doesn't move except to look up at her, without saying a word. It takes Carrie by surprise when she notices the lack of anger on Jessica's face directed at her or a punch to the face coming her way, that if she were being honest, she knows she deserves.

Carrie let's a few moments go by not saying anything either, mostly because she's not sure what one is supposed to say in this situation. After a few moments she opens the door a little wider and steps to the side as a silent invitation. Jessica steps in and she closes the door behind her before walking towards the living room. She's not sure why she is here and when Carrie takes a look at her, she wonders if Jessica understands what she is doing here anymore then she does.

Jessica follows her into the living room and takes a seat, while Carrie uncomfortably tries to decide whether to offer her something to drink and make an attempt at small talk to put an end to this unbearable silence. It's ridiculous and absurd but so is this situation and anything would be better than the silence.

As Jessica looks around the room, taking in everything, as if it might help her understand Carrie better, Carrie takes a good look at her. And for the first time since Brody came home and took over her whole life, she realizes how little thought she's given to the woman sitting on her couch. In the very same spot Carrie spent hours intruding on her most private moments, like it were some reality show. This woman who lost her husband to her. She's not naïve enough to believe that she was the only reason their marriage ended but she can't deny that had she not been a factor, they could have stood a better chance at making things work or they, he, might have fought harder to save their marriage.

Jessica wasn't innocent in the destruction of their marriage. Carrie doesn't have to be a mind reader to know what happened at the safe house. If she was being honest, part of her hoped it would end that way. It brought her one step closer to what she wanted - Brody. The only man who could bring her any kind of peace. Something she desperately needed and wanted back. She would have felt more guilty if she didn't feel she did them a favor. Jessica needed someone who loved her and someone she could count on. The kids needed Mike too. Someone who could be the type of father they deserved. The kind of person Brody couldn't be. Not then anyway. For a few days she gave them that. It may not have been her main priority but the result is still all the same.

When Jessica finally speaks, the words that comes out of her mouth almost makes Carrie wish for the silence again. Almost.

"How can you love him?"

It's question Carrie asked herself more than once. The moment she realized she had feelings for him while trying to prove his guilt. It's the question she repeatedly asked herself after he got her fired. When she realized she had been right about him, which was accompanied with the realization that he had led her to believe she were crazy, leading her to admit herself to a mental hospital. Every time she thought back to what he almost did. She thinks about that day, about what he would have done had it not been for Dana's phone call, more than she cares to admits. Quinn tells her not trust him. Saul doesn't want her to forget who he was, in spite of who he is trying to be. They don't get that the real problem is that Carrie is not sure she will ever forget what Brody did and who he was. That she is not sure she will ever truly be able to trust him, as much she desperately wants to. If they knew that, they'd feel reassured. Not that they ever would, they'd have to be willing to take her at her word first. Maybe she doesn't have right expect them to trust her. She is in love with a terrorist after all. She didn't lie to Saul about her eyes being open. It's just so happens that even with her eyes open to who he is, she still loves him and wants to be with him.

She doesn't think she'll ever understand how Brody became the most important person in her life. The only person capable of making feel some semblance of peace and on some days she thinks her only chance at happiness. She's sure she could find someone else, less complicated and fucked up, if she really tried. She can't be sure it would work out but she could try. She knows however that she will never have what she does with him. And that scares her more than anything.

"I don't know." Carrie says. She wishes she had something better to offer. She feels strangely like she owes Jessica so much more. But she doesn't think she will ever truly understand how she got to this point herself.

"But you do... you do love him, right? In spite of everything."

"Yes." She's tempted to lie until she realizes there is no point in doing so anymore. She thinks Jessica would prefer the truth over more lies anyway. And Carrie doesn't have the energy to pretend anymore.

"I don't know who he is anymore. He scares me sometimes. Not physically. I don't think he would hurt us. But sometimes I look into his eyes and I see something there, something he brought back with him, that makes me want to get as far away from him as possible."

It takes Carrie by surprise when the words start flowing out of her, Jessica seems slightly surprised by it too. But that doesn't stop her either. Carrie wonders if this is the first time she as ever truly been able to admit this out loud. She's had to play the supportive wife to Brody and there are things she can't share with him, Mike is too involved in their lives to be willing to just listen, and talking to her kids was out of the question. She can't share this with friends without informing them of things that needed to be kept secret, even if they could truly comprehend just how screwed up their lives have become. It occurs to Carrie that she may be the only person Jessica could open up to about this.

"He refused to talk to me about his time over there. About anything really. I tried to get him to open up to me right up until the end. I'm not sure what I thought it would accomplish. Maybe if he made me understand, I could be okay with the fact he isn't the man he used to be. I don't know."

"He scares me too." Carrie admits.

"I think about everything he did and what he almost did, I wonder if I will ever truly understand the extent of the damage done to him. And what it left him capable of." She pauses and looks up to find Jessica staring her intently. It gives her the confidence to go on.

"I want to trust him. In some truly weird way, the more I know about him, the harder it becomes to figure him out and the less secure I feel about what I'm getting into. "

When Carrie looks up once again, she notices a slight look of relief on Jessica's face. She seems almost lighter. She's tempted to question her on it, until it hits her that just maybe it comforts Jessica to know that there is someone else with an inability to make sense of her life and how Brody figures into it. That she is not alone in this fucked up situation. One woman who knows all of him and the other who as been shut out by him, and yet they are equally in the dark about how they feel and are struggling to make sense of things and what their lives have become in part due to the presence of this one man who in spite of everything they both love.

In some crazy way, they are in this together. The only person who can understand what the other is going through. It's not as simple as Mike, her kids, Quinn, or Saul want it to be or feel it should be. And they, along with Brody, are the only ones who get that fact.

As she sits on the front step outside her front door, after Jessica leaves, it occurs to Carrie that this may be the first time she as ever allowed herself to say the words she did as well. And Jessica Brody is only person who she could say this too.

They are not going to be friends and if they are lucky, they will never have to see each other again. Yet she thinks she helped Jessica make peace with her situation in some small way. And it's knowing that fact that makes her hate herself a little less for the destruction she left in her wake, during her pursuit of Abu Nazir.

She gets up and walks back inside, heading upstairs, feeling almost lighter herself. She's made peace with what her life as become. But that doesn't mean she as to like it. This situation is fucked up. And she is a mess. She can't change that.

_"I do feel used, and played, and lied to but I also feel good."_

In that moment she understood how he felt more than he knew. There is a lot of things about Brody that scares her, but what she didn't admit to Jessica was that, there are moments when she is with him, where all of that fades away and she doesn't care. It feels good and that's all that matters.

She's happy. And could have that with him, given the chance. But it comes at a cost...

She lies back on her bed and picks up the phone dialing the number she as stared at and as had to stop herself from calling more times then she cares to admit since leaving him at the cabin. She's not sure what will happen if she calls him. People will have to find out eventually. She may get fired. Maybe by some miracle she won't. She doesn't know the answer and for the first time in a long time, she's fine not knowing.

She wants to be happy. She wants more than a life working at a place that while it brings her joy, is also a curse that dooms her to spending her life miserable and alone, alongside people who doubt her and making her doubt herself.

_"You're throwing your life away."_

_"Or maybe I'm just not giving it away to this place. Maybe... maybe I want other things."_

She loves Saul but she doesn't want to be him.

She wants both. She could end up with neither and it could blow up in her face but for now she is not willing to give up on either one.

She figures she more then deserves a chance at having it all.


End file.
